Big Fat No Lyrics

STUART
Can you help me out, Mrs. Doubtfire?
I think of Miranda, well
Constantly
I'm a man on a mission
I need a woman's intuition
Do you think that she
Feels the same about me?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
No

STUART
What?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
No

STUART
No?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
That wouldn't work at all

STUART
I thought I felt the connection

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
No, no!
No, no!
No!
You're too tall
And too British
Too well chiseled
Too Brad Pitt-ish
No!

STUART
Are you sure?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
No! Dear, you're not her type!

STUART
Well, I sorta thought I was

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
If she saw you on the Tinder
She'd do a left swipe

STUART
I thought that
I could be the sorta guy
That she deserves
Give her everything
She never got
From that lame ex-husband of hers

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
No!

STUART
Huh

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Poppet, you're way off base

STUART
I thought I was reading the signs

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Well, you've read them wrong
It's just not so!
It's a big fat no!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE, spoken
Miranda is still recovering from her divorce dear
Give it time
A decade maybe?

STUART
But I just can't contain it
I simply adore her!
I'd do anything for her!
That's the honest truth
She is someone I think
I could fit like a glove with!
And I think I'm in love with her
And I think she's feeling it too!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Wrong!

STUART
Really?
Why?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Could be the way you walk
And not to mention how you sound
When you talk
It's rather cloying
What's that word she used..

STUART
Sweet?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Annoying!

STUART
No!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Yes!

STUART
But she said my accent was hot

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Oh! She didn't
Well, that's the thing about Miranda
See, she lies a lot

MRS.DOUBTFIRE, spoken
Like, she probably told you
You looked good in those tight pants
But you don't dear
Two words
Moose knuckle

STUART
Moose- what?

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
It's too soon
For you to swoon and prude
She's not ready, I can tell
And what if Dan and Miranda's
Flame is re-fanned?

STUART
Uh, she told me there's no chance in hell

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Oh?

STUART
So
That's not an option now

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Oh, really?

STUART
And if he thinks it is
I'll tell him it's not so
That's a big fat no!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
Miranda really said Daniel has no chance?

STUART
She needs someone to
Go dancing through life with!

GYM MEMBERS
He's right on his feet

STUART
Someone who
Will listen
When she needs an ear

GYM MEMBERS
He's a really good listener

STUART
Someone who
Pays attention

STUART & GYM MEMBERS
Someone who's
Strong but sensitive
And sincere
Women like sincerity

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
But, do you mind?
I think I know what women like
We also like a man with good sense humor
Which sorry to say, you don't have
Nothing personal dear
You're just really boring

GYM MEMBERS
No!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE, spoken
Who are you?!

GYM MEMBERS
Well, he's an awesome bloke!

STUART
Aw, thanks guys!

GYM MEMBERS
A fellow you could chew
The fat-cracker joke
Or have a tea with
Guys wanna be
And gals wanna be with

STUART
So

GYM MEMBERS
So-oh-oh

STUART
You say, I'm not that guy?

GYM MEMBERS
So-oh-oh

STUART
Guess, you'd be telling me
That I'm just a fool
For going for it?

GYM MEMBERS
Ooh!

STUART
Thanks for the advice!

GYM MEMBERS
But he'll ignore it

STUART
I'm holding out hope
Should I let that go?

GYM MEMBERS
Should he let that go!
Should he let that go!

MRS.DOUBTFIRE
I think maybe so

STUART & GYM MEMBERS
That's a big fat no!